No one, of any age, likes to be told what to do. But often, we have to give instructions to family members. Nonetheless, when we give too many - especially to teens, adult children and spouses - we may be perceived as "controlling" or "bossy." Fortunately, there are ways to reduce the number and/or intensity of instructions we have to give everyone, including the younger kids. First, refrain from saying what really doesn't need to be said. For example, don't repeat instructions that you've already given (see my book "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice," for details). Second, don't tell your child or spouse to do something that he already knows he has to do or that he regularly does by himself (i.e. don't remind a child to brush his teeth if this is something he does every night automatically). Third, try to change your direct approach into a passive one on occasion: for instance, instead of saying "You need to pack your lunch tonight to a teen," you could try, "I'm sorry, Honey, but I can't pack your lunch tonight" - letting him figure out, rather than telling him what has to be done. Finally, just experiment with NOT telling your child what she should do and see what she does herself; if she does the right thing, lay on the praise to reinforce her initiative. If she doesn't do it, try winking/pointing/handing her something instead of giving her the full verbal instruction. If that's not possible, use a one-or-two-word reminder rather than a full sentence of bunch of sentences (i.e. "Your cup," vs. "You need to take your cup off the table and put it in the dishwasher."). These strategies will still leave you with plenty of instructions to offer, but your sensitivity to the issue will certainly help you avoid being "controlling!"
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