An age-old question: should someone marry another person to whom there is a feeling of comfortableness, but lacks a special feeling toward that person?
ANSWER:
That's a question that's constantly being asked of me and others. And we have to understand that the special feeling is mostly the result of propaganda. The world has been propagandized to think that there is a certain magic moment when something happens within you, and thereby you know that this is the right person.
Now we see today that these magic moments are happening every day with different people-the same party! If you read about the careers of movie artists, today it's this one, next month it's somebody else; so these are magic moments that repeat themselves and all of them are nothing but deceptions.
What's the magic moment in buying a house? When you look at the house, does something click within you and tell you that that's the right house? Then beware, you might discover that there's no sewer there connected to the city sewers, you might discover that there is no wiring in that house, you might discover that the house is rotten through and through with termites! You can't buy a house with intuition, you need experts. You pay a couple hundred dollars and have an expert exam of the house, from the roof to the basement.
And marriage also should be based on expert opinions of others; you are certainly not the judge of whom to marry. Now if somebody else is going to give an opinion, then it's not your feelings. Of course if you feel a repulsion, then you can't marry that person.
But if you don't feel any feeling of a special objection to the other party, and all considerations are discovered to be proper, like this question proposes-families and backgrounds and tastes are similar-then it looks like an ideal opportunity. If you feel comfortable, so do it and you'll feel comfortable for the rest of your lives.
But if you married by intuition, then the day after the marriage the intuition disappears and you'll feel uncomfortable for the rest of your lives.
Good Shabbos To All
This is transcribed from questions that were posed to Harav Miller by the audience at the Thursday night lectures.
To listen to the audio of this Q & A please dial: 201-676-3210
Sorry, but I must respectufully take exception to Harav Miller Ztl's response. By all means, use both head and heart to decide whether you've found your besherter. And by all means beware if you feel "caught up" in a romantic but fleeting euphoria that you mistake for "chemistry". But DO NOT marry someone for all the right reasons -- midos, chessed, tznius, ba'al(as) mitzvos utz'dakah, lamdanus, etc. -- but in the absence of any feeling of compatibility, companionship, "sympatico", or warmth. I made the mistake of following my head but not my heart, and ended up with a husband -- now my ex for decades -- whom I never liked, far less loved. A couple should complete each other, emotionally nourish and nurture each other, and make each other happier than when they were single. If your "besherter" doesn't do that, (s)he is not your besherter at all but the wrong one.
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