ANSWER:
The Kuzari gives us a very important statement on this subject. The Kuzari says: those that don't expect anything out of this world, who don't look forward to any pleasures, are the ones who live happiest in this world, because he didn't expect anything. Therefore whatever happened to him is a pleasant surprise! And listen to that, that's one of the secrets to happiness. It's not the only secret, happiness is a big sugya, you have to study that, but this is one of the big secrets and it's by an important person, the Kuzari.
If you get married and you're thinking of love, that all your life it's going to be a love nest, you and your wife will be just like you were before your chasuna, then you're going to be terriblydisappointed, since it never turns out that way. Because as soon as you get married love flies out of the window.
What is love? Love is a combination of illegality and novelty; but as soon as it becomes legal, and it's not novel anymore, so there's no more love. If that's what you're looking forward to, a false bubble with a pink color in it, then it's going to burst. Anybody who looks forward to things is going to be disappointed in things.
We get married because it's the ratzon Hashem, you're doing your duty as a decent man and as a Jew has to do, and you do it as fast as you can-of course with the right one, you look for the best maalos. Don't expect anything, don't expect any good qualities! Of course you should look for good qualities, no question, look, don't be a fool. You look for good health, look for good middos, look for yiras shamayim, look for everything, but don't expect it.
Therefore whenever something good happens, whenever you see that your wife could cook, you didn't expect her to be a cook, oh what a cook!! Your wife is able to bear children, you didn't expect it, a lot of women cannot bear children, oh she can bear children too? Ay yay yay. Your wife is not cussing you out? Only once in a while maybe... not too frequently? You're so happy, you're overjoyed more than you expected. Everything in life is a surprise. You didn't expect to live to forty years old...I hit 40, it's a holiday for you. When you hit 50, it's a bigger holiday! You hit 60 you don't know what to do with yourself, you're delirious! At 70 you're drunk with happiness, you never expected it!
I was once talking to an old man he was 85 years old, he wasn't well at that time, he was sitting on a bench with me in Williamsburg and across the street there's a 60-year-old man, a chosid. He said that chosid is a no good fellow, look he's 60 years old and is healthy and I'm sick-he's healthy and I'm sick. I said, how old is he? 60. And how old are you? I'm 85. So I said what do you want? You're 85, and he got well after a while, but he's angry that at 85 he's sick and the other man is well. When people look forward to a long life, he expected to live at least 5000 years, and at the early age of 85 didn't feel well, he was angry at Hakadosh Baruch Hu! But suppose he didn't expect to hit 60, expect to hit 40, so all his life he's having pleasant surprises. Every birthday is a simcha to him, he sings! That's the kind of man who is happy, because he didn't expect anything.
I always quote this as an acid test, as a criterion.
Who runs around late at night trying to find a grocery store to buy a dozen eggs? A person that has a lot of eggs at home, or a person that does not have any eggs at home? Who's trying to shop for eggs? If a person has eggs at home, he's not shopping for eggs.
Who runs around at night in cars looking for a good time, chasing after a good time? People that have a good time or people that don't have it? The people that are running around Saturday night and Sunday night and every other night, in cars looking for a good time, are they people that are happy? Or are they running to try to get happiness?
They don't have happiness, no question about it, they are always chasing after it, they will never find it, they'll never find it, because for them life is only for good times, and if you can't have good times all the time they are disappointed.
But the people that are not looking for good times, they have good times in their homes, plenty of good times. If good times means, to stay up late and to lose sleep and have a headache the next day-that's how some people interpret times, so alright.
But if good times means to be healthy, and to live a normal life and to have nachas from children, if good times means that you feel successful in your purposes in pursuing Torah and mitzvos, if good times means that your conscience is clear, so these people are the ones who are really happy because they didn't expect anything, even their food they didn't expect. When they sit down to eat their little supper, they enjoy it more than the others that go out and eat in a fancy restaurant with music-don't be deceived about it. The poor people in Meah Shearim who live in two rooms with 14 children, are enjoying life better than the rich people in Scarsdale, where there are two people and no children in a big mansion.
And I guarantee you, there are more suicides that take place in Scarsdale than in Meah Shearim.
Good Shabbos To All
This is transcribed from questions that were posed to Harav Miller by the audience at the Thursday night lectures.
To listen to the audio of this Q & A please dial: 201-676-3210
Important Numbers
