What factors should a man look for in a girl in deciding whether to marry her?
ANSWER:
I spoke about this about a dozen times, so I'll say it briefly again just to please this person.
First of all, she has to be a girl that agrees with his opinions. She has to be m'kabel Ol Malchus Shamayim, she wants to live a frum Jewish life. Never marry with the intention and the hope of changing her – forget about it.
Secondly, she has to be a girl that's healthy – physically and mentally; and in case you're not, you can't be choosy. If you are physically and mentally healthy, then watch out! Be careful whom you marry.
Thirdly, she has to have good character; a good character is very rare – very rare. You'll think she has good character, you'll know better a little later. However do the best you can, ascertain her character. Ask the teachers in the Bais Yaakov School that she attended; sometimes they'll tell you part of the truth. If they say very enthusiastically, so deduct 90%, and it might be worth marrying her. If they're not enthusiastic, and just say she's a fine girl, then forget about it.
If possible, she should come from a good family, because a family in the background has a big influence. If it's not the right kind of a family, then who knows what's going to happen to your children? You want to have good grandparents if possible, good uncles and aunts if possible. So if she could come from a good family, it's worthwhile, too.
It's very important to marry a girl from the same environment as you come from. That's why marry a girl who's in the same country, don't marry a girl from another country. Sometimes it's successful, but there's always a strain on the marriage; always. A man and a woman are two different nationalities; the gemara says that a man and a woman are really two different nations, Noshim am b'fnei atzmom heim (Shabbos 60A). And to put more of a strain on that is not necessary.
So always marry people from the same background. They have the same interests, they have the same kind of food they eat, the same customs; that makes it easier to remain married successfully. It's a very important point.
Good Shabbos To All
This is transcribed from questions that were posed to Harav Miller by the audience at the Thursday night lectures.
To listen to the audio of this Q & A please dial: 201-676-3210
Important Numbers
