When your kids are little, you don't mind cleaning up after them. As they get older, you expect them to chip in and do their part. As they become even bigger, you expect them to help out beyond cleaning up their own personal messes; they are "members of the household" with the responsibility to contribute to its upkeep. When they get so old that they leave home and only come back for visits, it will be your greatest pleasure to totally clean up after them again - not. However, you will find yourself doing just that (because you will be afraid to "upset the cart" and because you are so grateful to them that they have decided to visit you!) unless you actually TEACH them when they are young that they always need to be "helpful guests" in the homes of other people, including those of their parents and in-laws when they grow up! When you take them to visit grandparents, relatives and friends, train them to clean up after themselves and always ask what they can do to help the host and hostess. Then, when they start coming home to YOU eventually, gently remind them about their obligations as a guest - as soon as possible. As a middle-aged or older parent, you will not want to be doing all the prep and clean-up for your adult children and their families when they visit (whether that is once a week or once a year). If you somehow forgot to do this and several years have already passed, you can still introduce or re-introduce the "helpful guest" concept by simply asking for a bit of help. Gradually increase the requests until you reach a comfort level that stops you from feeling resentful, exhausted, mistreated or otherwise unhappy when your kids visit.
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The more correction and/or punishment a child receives, the more he misbehaves and/or acts out. Minimize your use of these interventions; learn and maximize your use of "good-feeling" strategies for guiding your child. You'll find lots of them in my book, "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice."
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Smile when you speak to your kids. They'll feel better and so will you. A smile's worth a thousand words (I love you, I'm feeling great, I'm happy to see you, I'm happy in my own being, I accept you, I'm managing my life, I'm confident, the world is safe, you're safe with me, I approve of you, etc.).
When your mood drops for no known reason, the best help you can give yourself is a generous dose of compassion. Talk to your mood directly (silently, unless you want to raise eyebrows around you...). "You're having a rough time. It's okay. Sometimes we just feel low. Take it easy for awhile. I'll bring you some tea." It's amazing how beneficial some TLC is even when YOU are the one giving it to yourself! And on the flip side, berating yourself for not feeling happy is one of the most unhelpful things you can do, as it lowers your mood even more. "Treat yourself the way you wish someone else would treat you." Be the friend you really need.
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By the time evening rolls around, we've had a full and exhausting day - and now starts "quality time" for the family. Building relationships, modeling personal qualities, creating an atmosphere of safety and love, establishing respect and boundaries, imbuing the home with spirituality and cherished values - these are the post-5pm tasks. Are you up for it? If not, consider taking a short break just before you will be greeting your loved ones. In that time, close your eyes and breathe slowly for 5 or 10 minutes (not if you're in the car driving of course...but you can park in your driveway and do this before entering the house). During this breathing time, think about the post-5pm tasks and imagine yourself doing them - really "see" yourself in action, dealing with the real challenges of family life. When you love what you see, watch another minute or so, then slowly open your eyes and try to live your movie in real time.
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When a child has a definite defiant streak, it's important not to "lock horns" with him. The parent needs to model flexibility, patience and respect - as well as TEACH those qualities. It helps to keep "absolutes" to a minimum; give choices and leeway freely. Keep rules and regulations to a minimum. However, for those few issues that are simply not negotiable, quiet, unwavering firmness will help. Show understanding by naming feelings ("I understand that you think it's not fair.") and offer short explanations as to why a behavior is unacceptable ("Throwing things can be dangerous....."); avoid lengthy debates and argument. Use a clear rule ("No throwing") and when necessary, a consequence ("When you throw things, you have to leave the room to play somewhere else for awhile."). Enforce rules quietly, respectfully and consistently, to give the child a chance to learn. Understand that a defiant child doesn't choose to be that way; he is tormented within himself with a nature he doesn't understand. Never ask him "why" he does what he does, as he doesn't know the answer. Have compassion for yourself and for him, because life is hard for both of you. And for those who don't have such a child, never judge parents who do. Defiant tendencies are not caused by parenting; they are caused by genes.
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When a very young child says, "I hate my life; I want to kill myself," parents naturally become alarmed. They are shocked that a small child is expressing such deep emotional pain. They also wonder whether the child is actually capable of hurting himself. They are scared as to what it all means and what they ought to be doing about it. Interestingly, these kinds of sentiments are not rare among children. Like adults, kids feel intense despair, frustration, helplessness, alienation, sadness and other painful emotions. However, unlike adults, they usually have a surprisingly small vocabulary with which to express their feelings. "I hate my life" is employed to cover a huge array of unhappy feelings and may refer to a particular disappointment or bad experience, or to a number of setbacks recently suffered. "I want to kill myself" almost always means "I don't know what to do about it but I want this pain to stop." Parents can help by validating painful feelings. Instead of saying something like "DON'T EVER TALK LIKE THAT!" they can welcome and encourage the expression of all feelings by using Emotional Coaching. "You sound really unhappy. What's going on?" When the child describes some of the events that triggered his statement, parents can reflect back SHADES of emotion, helping to build a far better "feeling vocabulary." "I see. That sounds so discouraging. You must have felt so helpless." (See the appendix in my book "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice" for a full list of 'feeling words.'). There is no need for the child to be "happy" after the parent names feelings; showing that negative feelings can be accepted and tolerated is extremely therapeutic. After naming feelings, parents can help with problem-solving. If the child continues to express self-hatred or despair despite consistent parental support, parents should seek professional guidance for further interventions.
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Whatever you pay attention to, you will see more of. The more you comment on a child's problem behaviors, the more you'll see of them. The more you comment on his appropriate behaviors, the more you'll see of those. (It works the same for spouses.). Pay attention to the words you speak during the day - are you mostly acknowledging the good behaviors that are happening throughout each day - or are you doing something else? And how is that working for you?
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Step 3 Anger Management: In the last 2 posts we saw how to teach your child how to calm herself down and how to express her feelings appropriately. You explained what she needed to do and you engaged in role play so she could practice. On this third step, you will now expect your child to carry out these steps DURING real moments of frustration. At first, of course, she'll probably just explode in her "old" way. If she is not completely overwhelmed with emotion, you can approach her now to help redirect her, but if she is too upset, you can wait till she is calmer before beginning her real-life practice session. When she is ready, you will remind her of what you taught her and ask her to take the appropriate steps (i.e. leave the room, do some stretches, start thinking about the problem and decide what she should have done,) When she's done the calming down steps, take your daughter back to the scene of the fight to "do it over." Help her to use her words to ask for what she wants. Reinforce the new assertive brain pattern with plenty of praise, positive labeling and possibly even a reward. Repeat these steps regularly until she is capable of skipping the "exploding" step. With some children this will be a few weeks after you start the re-education process and with others it will take a few years. However long it takes, it's worth it; your child's adult happiness depends on her ability to manage anger successfully.
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Step 2 Anger Management Training: TEACHING AND PRACTICING. Now that you've taught your child how to turn off the fight-or-flight response, you can help her learn how to deal with upsetting situations. First, think of which real-life situations trigger your child - what gets her mad? Being angry is fine - it's just a feeling. However, acting inappropriately is not okay. What does she doe when she's angry that you find inappropriate? What do you want her to do instead? Once you've clarified these questions for yourself, you are ready to begin teaching. Tell your child exactly what you want her to do and say when she is upset. Always explain the importance of leaving the scene if the upset is strong and returning to address the problem once she is calmer. Teach her how to respectfully ask for what she wants. Now, make up some "sample scenarios" and do some role-playing with her. You can use puppets, dolls, stuffed animals or yourselves to act out the perpetrator and victim roles that she frequently finds herself in. Have her practice "the right way" of asserting herself and getting her needs met. Practice regularly for a couple of weeks before moving on to Step 3. (to be continued...).
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If it's hard for adults to manage their anger, we can understand that it is even HARDER for kids! They are even more impulsive and reactive than we are. Helping them learn to step back requires our good model of course. Let's imagine for a moment that we provided that already; what else can we do to help them express their feelings in calm words rather than in hysterical fits? Education involves many steps - we'll cover them one at a time over the next several posts. For now, we'll do Step One: Teaching the skill of De-escalation. This step should be done at a regular bedtime or dinnertime - not when a child is upset. It includes talking about anger, explaining the powerfully physical energy of anger and describing the harm that unrestrained anger can inflict. It involves explaining what a person can say or do when he or she FEELS like screaming or hitting. Explain the importance of being able to leave the room to calm down and offer calming strategies (not pounding a pillow or tearing up things - these actually INCREASE rage rather than decrease it). Introduce the idea of drinking something slowly to help slow down heart rate and breathing, and help turn off the rush of adrenalin. Or teach the yoga "Child Pose" which helps release calming chemistry. For the school-age and older child, teach slow breathing and/or coloring for the same purpose. Or teach your own favorite calm-down-regroup techniques. Step One in anger management is being able to turn off the fight-or-flight response. If you don't teach your child how to do it, she won't know how to do it.
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Introducing kids to calming activities is good for both them and you! It teaches them how to calm their nerves in constructive ways, helping to prevent the development of destructive, addictive "calming" habits later on. Expose them to rock painting, zen doodling, and crafting of all kinds. Get them into sophisticated lego building, model building, music playing, mandala coloring, yoga stretching, strength building or any other activity that calms, grounds and centers their young bodies and minds. Give them the experience of shifting their own chemistry, releasing the endorphins of creativity and flow and accessing deeply pleasurable states of consciousness. Do it regularly so that they will learn how to incorporate stress management strategies into their daily schedules and live healthier, happier lives as a result.
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Some children are more self-conscious than others. This can manifest in different ways. Some don't like to be the center of attention, some may be uncomfortable being praised or complimented in front of others, and some may not want to eat in front of others. Although self-consciousness tends to be an inborn trait, it can be modified through certain interventions. Criticism isn't one of them however; we can't just "tell" a child not to be self-conscious! We can give the child drama classes, voice and/or musical training, public speaking classes and other opportunities to improve confidence in public through training and exposure. Bach Flower Remedies like "cerato" (for self-consciousness) and "mimulus" (for fear and shyness) may also be helpful. Therapy for self-conscious teens can fast-track improvement whereas doing nothing at all can seriously delay the development of social self-confidence.While encouragement, training and support are all helpful, acceptance and understanding are most important. One can help a child develop skills while simultaneously showing compassion and acceptance of her essential nature. Refraining from showing disapproval or judgment actually increases her comfort and self-acceptance.
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Some parents hate saying "no," because they cannot tolerate their child's temporary displeasure, disappointment or, in some cases, outrage. Nonetheless, "no" is the right answer on so many occasions. Therefore, say it with confidence. "No" is there to protect your child's physical and mental health. "No" is there to protect your own physical and mental health as well. "No" causes short-term frustration but helps develop long-term frustration tolerance - the skill required for attaining success in all of life's important endeavors. As my cousin Sandy Offenheim sang so many years ago on her children's album Honey on Toast," "'No,' is just another way to say 'I love you.'"
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The mind MUST focus on something. It will either focus on something that stresses us out (like a worry) or on something that makes us feel good (like an exciting plan). Moreover, the mind tends to develop habits of focus - topics that it regularly attends to. Fortunately, we can change our habitual focus if we choose to - although it takes some time and effort. We can feel calmer and more at ease, even if there are difficult people in our lives, when we become adept at changing our focus of attention. Instead of ruminating about (putting all our attention on) that last unpleasant interchange, for example, we can quickly move our attention to something that makes us feel happy. As we become better and faster at doing this pivot, we will find ourselves attending to negativity far less and attending to things that make us feel good, far more. The result is that the challenges we must deal with will no longer completely rob us of joyful living. Even with our difficulties we will be able to feel more positive, energetic, healthy and content. It is all a matter of focus.
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Every spouse is imperfect (as all human beings are). This is not about to change. How, then, does one build a harmonious relationship with a human being who is bound to fail us in so many ways? (Yes, we also are imperfect and fail our spouses, but we aren't bothered by this quite as much.) One of the most important skills we have to learn is how to neutralize our spouse's flaws and imperfections, bury them, forgive them, release them, heal them or otherwise get them out of the way, so that we can actually ENJOY the most important person in our life.
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There is no such thing as a perfect parent, a perfect spouse or a perfect child. We're all just human beings trying to negotiate our lives the best way we can. We bungle up, try again, move forward - we're constantly learning and improving, falling and failing. This is how it's done. The better we get at it, the less we suffer and the more we flourish - but it takes time. Be patient with yourself, your partner and your kids. Life is a learning process for everyone.
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If you want to know how your child feels when you raise your voice, try to remember exactly how YOU felt when your mother or father spoke loudly to you. The best way to do this is to sit still for a minute, close your eyes, and bring to mind a time when either parent shouted at you. Watch the scene as if you are watching a movie, seeing both the young you and your parents. Now, use your "x-ray vision" to peer right inside the heart and mind of your younger self so that you can really see the thoughts and feelings that are happening in that moment. Now, "fix" the movie by having your parent educate you in a more respectful and kinder way. See how your younger self feels then. Now, which way do you want to do it with your own child?
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Children do better when they have a trusted adult to look up to. Maintain that position by being loving and warm while giving - and insisting on receiving - respect. Don't get into screaming matches with a child since that brings you down to the child level. Don't argue back and forth, since that puts you in a defensive, childlike position. Don't allow your child to talk to you the way she might talk to a peer because, chummy as that might be, you want to be the grownup in the relationship, not a child. You're decades older than your youngster and while not necessarily wiser, YOU are the leader in the relationship, responsible for guiding that youngster to adulthood. Lead with dignity. Guide with love.
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"Grandma's Rule" is a nice work-around for having to issue yet another instruction. Instead of saying, "Please put away your toys now," (a straightforward instruction), "Grandma's Rule" would have us hide the instruction inside a feel-good prize. "As soon as you put away the toys, we can go to the park/have a story/watch the movie/etc." Whereas kids often balk at the simple request, they frequently (though not always) run to do the same task formulated within a "Grandma's Rule" structure. Grandma's Rule uses the words, "As soon as" or "When" at the beginning of a sentence and "then" at the end. Please note that the formulation "If...then" is NOT found in Grandma's Rule. It is found within a BRIBE, as in "If you clean up your toys, then I'll take you to the park." Bribes put children in charge of the outcome, whereas Grandma's Rule leaves parents right where they should be: in charge of what happens next.
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Important Numbers
